Thursday, May 21, 2015

Stoic

As I type of this post, I'm experiencing pain.  Thankfully, the pain isn't as bad as it was almost a week ago when I hobbled into an emergency room because I could barely walk - thus the hobbling.  Sadly, the pain I was experiencing was a pain I had lived with for 5 weeks prior.  Over the course of the 5 weeks I was convince it was getting better because I sincerely felt like I was getting better.  I saw no need to seek medical treatment, however my body sent me a great big F-U message last week that I was wrong. 

Over the course of my lifetime I have turn into a very strong person.  I like to think this strength is a good thing.  It's given me the ability to over come adversity and eventually thrive.  It's help the hurt (internal as well as external) hurt less.  It's helped me grow and mature as a person. 

On the flip side, being a strong person isn't a good thing.  Being strong shields others from really getting to know me.  In many ways I've felt I HAD to be strong or others wouldn't like me.  This is not something I'm making up, but more something I've learned by the folks who cast me aside when I wasn't strong.  The ultimate lesson had seemed to be, if you're not strong people will not want to be around you.  Weakness and vulnerability is BAD.

I struggle with the fact that my strength is both a good thing AND a bad thing.  It's a constant tug of war game going on inside of me.  Weighing situations to determine whether showing my vulnerable side is the best course of action or is it smarter to keep the wall up.

At one point, as I laid in the emergency room bed my doctor said something to the effect of, "I realize you're stoic, but you're gonna have to learn to take it easy if you're going to heal." 

STOIC...

A painless shock went up my body with the great sensation hitting my brain so hard I'm positive my face reflected some sort of expression that clearly showed how surprised, and disturbed, I was that this dude knew me so well so quickly.  I looked at my family, who had been keeping me company, with the same expression wondering if they were reveling (just like I had been) that there was no better word to describe me. 

My family... who loved me so much, they basically told me they were heading to the ER not only to keep me company, but also so I could get a shot of the really good pain medication...  you know... the kind that you only get if you either have a designated driver or that you get admitted to the hospital overnight for "pain maintenance." 

My family.... the ones whom insisted they hangout at the ER with me even though I insisted I'd be "fine" without them.  The family who I couldn't admit I wanted (needed) there.

I am stoic, which I see as strength and a weakness. And even though there will still be a tug 'o war game going on inside of me as to whether or not this is a good thing, I take comfort in the fact that I recognize the good and the bad in this quality of mine and not only own it, but embrace it.

Today's blog project topic - suggested by me: Great strengths that are also great weaknesses.  Now that I've written my thoughts on this topic, please see what my fellow bloggers have to say about the topic:

Momarock (Sara)

Merryland Girl (Melissa)

Darwin Shrugged (Denise)