I've read my last post, (Stoic), a few times recently. It's been about a month and a half since I wrote the post and I've definitely been interesting period of time in my life.
First and foremost, I haven't been able to run or workout since you don't just bounce-back from what happened to me. This has, without a doubt, been difficult for me. I knew these things were in my blood (especially running), but not being able to participate in these activities just emphasized the fact even more. I'm also not allowed to go on roller coasters, sky dive, try (again) to learn to ride a motorcycle... All things I wanted to do this summer. Also, I'm at the point in my recovery where I am no longer in pain (for the most part) so doing any of the above (especially running) is tempting. However, I haven't been cleared to do anyof these things. Not even something like yoga. Frustrated. The word that describes how this makes me feel. This has all caused me to wonder which is worse situation to be in, be in so much pain that you know doing any of the above is just not a possibility or be in the place your in very little or no pain at all so your mind thinks your body should be able to do at least one of the above listed activities. After contemplating this for awhile I'll stick with the former. I am definitely THRILLED to be where I am in such a short period of time.
With that in mind comes the great perspective I've been given over the past month and a half. I've gotten a glimpse into what it is like to be (to a degree) disabled. Let me just say, I was shocked to learn my train platform wasn't required to conform to the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) because it was located so close to a bus and el stop. To say the least this made me angered. At first for me because climbing stairs was hard, and tiring. Like the elderly man my heart went out to (more than normal) climbing the stairs one morning with a cane.(I pray when I am there that more stations are complaint because I can only imagine how that man feels each time he has to climb stairs.) However, then for those that can climb stairs comfortably all the time. Or, for those that don't have the luxury of taking my train into downtown (the new outbound train platform is ADA complainant as of this past April) because they're not able to climb stairs at all.
This experience has also given me the opportunity to rediscover what wonderful people I call friends. Since I'm on restricted movement there are things I can't do, even though I feel like I can totally do them. These things are basic things that make me feel like such a fool to have to get someone to help with, but have been lucky enough to find people to help. There is a handful of folks who have volunteered to help.. they are truly angels. I knew I had good people in my life, but didn't know the extent of how great they were. This experience has also shown me the true colors of others. Colors that aren't so pretty and make me want to take a step back so I can reevaluate my relationship with these individuals. I don't profess that my colors are always pretty, but when I do turn a ugly one it's not beyond me to apologize for my actions.
I've learned the ugly side of side effects. Medications help us get better, but sometimes the side effects aren't worth the gains... just sayin'...
Faith. Faith, it a big part of me. Even though I'm not totally observant, I've without a doubt become more observant since I moved to the city. However, during times like the past month and a half my faith has waivered. Thankfully, I have those who are even more observant to remind me that everyone, even super observant people, have moments where they lose and/or struggle with faith. It was super comforting to hear this, especially since I truly believe that everything that happens to us happens for a reason - even the ugly crap. I believe this even when I believe I don't believe things happen for a reason. I still belief in the saying that hangs up on my place, "Faith makes things possible, not easy" (or something like that). I'm glad it didn't take long for my faith to come back to me. I didn't feel as alive when it wasn't present.
All in all, my heart is filled more than ever with gratitude for so many things. This isn't my ideal situation, but I can honestly say more often than not I'm looking at the silver lining. Yes, I can't run or be active, but it's given me more time to pursue things I haven't because of lack of time. Surely, a gift. It's given me the opportunity to hear about the experience of others who have gone through what I am right now and find out how they handled the situation. It's amazing the things I've learned about others through these conversations. It's shown me that I can take a difficult time and turn it around so it's more positive and enjoyable.
Not that I ever want to go through what I am ever again, but I can honestly say I feel like a better person for what I've been through.